blue cells. kazuya akimoto art museum.

purple backstreets. kazuya akimoto art museum.

little windflower. wendy ryan.

blue nude. pablo picasso.

on the heart of women

i wrote a talk today, to give to the girls in lifeteen on sunday. it's about purity - essentially, what does it mean for a girl to be pure? or, even more difficult, what does it mean to guard your heart?

i struggled with this talk a lot myself - what should i tell them? my personal experience seems to warn against getting into any kind of serious, intense relationship while still in high school, even if all physical purity is maintained - the fallout of decisions you make in high school continues to affect you for years.

but then again, some high school relationships end in happiness. my brother's best friend just got engaged to the girl he dated through all of high school and college. so how do you distinguish between a true, deep, real love that will end happily and an intense, deep love that will leave scars?

before i begin, however, let me clarify that i am addressing the danger of women seeking to 'save' men - this process could, of course, repeat itself in the opposite direction, but most of my experience has been with women, not men, who have fallen victim to this danger; it is from those experiences that the following story developed.

the only way to translate myself is to speak in symbols.

the secret part of a woman, the depths of her heart, is like a rose bush... beautiful, dangerous, and a living, growing entity. to love another person means sharing that intimacy with them - a sacred, special ritual of undressing the heart, of revealing the most intimate, vulnerable, beautiful parts of themselves to the man they love.

women, generally speaking, are especially eager to love. genetically wired as nurturers, they want to give themselves to another, please another, and receive love and adoration in return. some women are especially attracted by the prospect of loving someone who is good but broken, kind but tormented, loving but secretly struggling with a dark side... men who want beauty, need beauty, and by virtue of their good works, deserve beauty; the woman comes to believe that she, and she alone, can provide it for him. this 'savior complex' attacks the most well-intentioned and loving of women, and leaves some of the deepest scars.

there are two ways men can enjoy the beauty of the rosebush. the first is that they come to its source and admire it, still living, in its garden. the garden, of course, here represents a true love of and respect for self, grounded in God's love. God, the source of Truest Love, is understood in a secular sense merely as True, Pure Love.

or, the man can coax the woman to bring the flowers to them - convince their lover (and themselves) that they are somehow incapable of coming to the garden themselves. they are too broken to be able to come to Beauty and divine Love, themselves, but maybe - maybe their lover can bring Love to them!

and a woman, if she "loves" him enough, will comply... she clip a rose off of her rosebush and carry it to him. at first, perhaps he will admire the beauty of it, maybe even feel as though he loves her for it.

but soon, of course, a rose removed from its source of life will wither and die.

the man has now lost the flower he so desperately wanted, and is tormented by the recent memory of its beauty. feeling even colder and more alone than he did in the beginning, as though he'll die without such beauty, he implores his lover to produce another rose. painfully, she clips another flower and gives it to him.

that rose withers soon, as well. her own rosebush is now suffering, as the loss of flowers are inhibiting its healthy development. but he demands again, another rose. please, don't let me suffer - all i want is to see beauty!

in desperation, the woman digs up her whole rosebush and carries it to him. he is comforted for a little while, but soon, predictably, the entire bush dies.

give me another, he said, although deep down he's realizing with crawling horror what he has done.

there's nothing left,
she replies. she doesn't know what is tearing her apart more - that she has nothing left to give her lover, or that her beautiful, beautiful treasure is now nothing but a gaping hole in the ground. perhaps she gets angry, lashes out. and the man, already grieving the loss of the roses, and the pain he has inadvertently caused the woman who loves him, reacts to the anger with self-loathing - withdraws, runs away, and hides in his own darkness. the woman, now feeling utterly abandoned, intensifies her anger but gains no relief - he is already gone.

then, he discovers, there are ways to make women love you. if you play your cards right, there will always be women willing to give you their roses. maybe that is the secret to happiness...! to always be reminded of beauty in small, transient ways. unfortunately, these men very rarely find the secret to happiness; when the giver of the rose can be easily exchanged with another, the smarter ones catch on and peace out. and the men are left wondering why the women they love always leave them.


here's where emotional impurity comes in. the key is, if you're a woman, to never dig up your rosebush, or give away too many roses. maybe give away one, so they can see what they're missing, but after that - he needs to come and meet you in a place where you can both admire and nurture the beauty inside of you. he needs to abide by the laws of respect, purity, hope, and love, that govern the garden where it grows. only then will either of you be truly happy.


if one's emotional purity remains intact, i've found that a girl's physical purity follows suit. most girls who mess around and sleep around, at one point had a heartbreak where some man in their life convinced them that they are not worth anything, or that they are only worth how attractive they are. that's not always the entire story, but more often than not, emotional pain expresses itself in desperate acts. the key to a woman's purity is to recognize the link between her heart and her acts, and make sure that men treat her with dignity, love, and respect - nothing less.