"Sanctity lies not in saying beautiful things, or even in thinking them, or feeling them; it lies in truly being willing to suffer. It is so sweet to serve our Lord in the night of trial; we have only this life to practice the virtue of faith." - St. Therese of Lisieux
Before I begin I would like to first apologize if this is too self-oriented. I try to draw from what is most familiar in my own life, in good faith that others may relate to my struggle and from there the Holy Spirit (God-willing) will allow my words to ascend to God, along with anyone else who latches on :) I try to refocus myself on the loving Otherness of God, but please alert me if this becomes too personally-oriented such that the message is lost. Other than that, please consider my words as one of your sister, moving in the same journey as yourself, flawed and sometimes misdirected, but ultimately attempting to move towards God. If you are reading this, I have prayed for you and for me, that these few minutes will move us both closer to the Truth and Love.
Today, I will attempt to deal with what has been the most garish obstacle in my soul for the past year - one that I have tried to ignore, reason away, work around, and forget - none of which, of course, actually facilitate the movement of the soul towards God, but rather help me to settle comfortably into my own zone of equilibrium. I am writing about it not because I have succeeded in eliminating it, but because oftentimes mentally acknowledging its existence must precede any chance of gradually expelling it from my system - a process that I feel I am finally prepared to begin.
Before we commence I feel as though I should preface this with some history while still sparing you and myself the discomfort of baring my soul inappropriately: A little over a year ago, I reached a point of the lowest low I have experienced thus far in my life - which is puzzling, since nothing too terrible happened beforehand. Let's just say that there was a perfect storm of every major suffering of my life somehow made very present and very bitter through a variety of tokens, events, and people - like every demon hiding inside suffering had been fed for years until it became a monster, and they coordinated their attack to explode out of each memory into reality at the same time. Just a few months later, a final phone call (during "It's a Wonderful Life," of all things) struck the lesson deeply and firmly into my psyche, and maybe even my soul.
I'm not sure if they won or not. I think that, in any case, they didn't have a full victory, since I still have an active faith life and am, after all, writing this all down with the intent of exorcising it. But I think that they did possess a small victory, which may one day become a big one: they instilled in me a furious opposition to the notion of suffering. What was once associated with beauty and love for me (because God blessed me with a saint for a mother who modeled longsuffering) may have been largely undone by this explosion of bitterness. In fact, one could argue that a fearlessness of suffering could be one of the most deadly weapons against the Enemy, since he cannot actually steal away our virtues but instead must convince us to surrender them ourselves - usually and most effectively by using suffering and tragedy to make us bitter and hardhearted.
Indeed, what might have seemed to me at first to be a full-on attack might have had the simple goal to plant a seed of hatred of suffering. Then later, after it has had time to strike down its roots and begin to unfurl, some horrible suffering will come and perhaps destroy my faith. This would, in fact, make a lot of sense, since I have had an astonishingly easy semester - some challenging discernment, but aside from that, it's been still waters. I've enjoyed nearly every second of it, but I can't help but notice that impatience, intolerance, and tempestuous moods are becoming more and more frequent. And as one who visibly participates in Christ's Church, I know that I have an obligation to those that look to me to set an example of a Christian life well-lived, and to disprove those that scour me to prove that the Christian life is full of self-righteousness and intolerance. And I believe that an essential part of moving closer to God, and being able to set that example for others, is to allow God back into my understanding of suffering, to move past bitterness and simply trust.
I am getting tired, but I think this will become a running theme for awhile. I pray God grants me the strength to hope and love unconditionally, and in the meantime, that He helps me to cultivate patience and kindness.
Peace-
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A Bible verse from Job 1:9-12:
"Does Job fear God for nothing?" Satan replied. "Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face."
The LORD said to Satan, "Very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger."
