one who does more is free...

"when a man does exactly what he is required to do, he is a slave. when he does more than he is asked, he is free"

i came across this quote the other day, and it resonated with me. i feel as though it personifies my faith life over the past few years... in order to remain free, I must exceed the standards laid down for me; to keep loving more than is asked, even when it hurts, because if I stop choosing to love abundantly, if I try to simply meet the status quo, it dries up. It becomes egoistic, I start tallying up and counting down how much love I owe another person. I am a slave to my own egoism.
"no longer slaves," Christ said. "I call you friends."

what does that mean, beyond the grace of God allowing us to be considered equals with Christ? maybe it doesn't mean that we just sit on our laurels and take pride in our equality with Christ, but that we are required to do more, love more, give more... to whom much is given, much will be expected. maybe what makes us free is that we love more than we need to, serve more than we're asked to, give more than we think we can handle - "if a man asks you to carry his bag for a mile, carry it for two" - our servanthood makes us free.

a man who does what is required of him is a slave. one who does more is free. no longer slaves, Christ said. love one another.


it is sacrifice that makes us free, that makes us full. God is using this lenten season to teach me, remind me, what it feels like to freely sacrifice.

in 'introduction to the devout life,' st. francis de sales wrote, "the world, looking on, sees that devout persons fast, watch and pray, endure injury patiently, minister to the sick and poor, restrain their temper, check and subdue their passions, deny themselves in all sensual indulgence, and do many other things which in themselves are hard and difficult. But the world sees nothing of that inward, heartfelt devotion which makes all these actions pleasant and easy."

and what makes it pleasant and easy? that it is done out of love for God the Other. bitterness comes from selfishness. joy comes from love, and love comes from sacrifice. sometimes our hearts must bleed in order to remember how to feel.

he knows nothing

"energy" by karen gillis taylor


only a fool thinks
he owns anything
in this life

pride and familiarity
bind growth in
their intestines

the wise man knows
he owns nothing
not the air he breathes
the path he walks
the life he lives

but do not let
go, or give
in to laziness;
focus,
with the front of your mind
the top of your head
a mountain stands
behind this confused color-world
one may only find
in discipline,
love,
detachment

do not fight pride
disregard it.
with peace you shall kill it,
with the olive branch you shall pierce it

the wise man knows
he knows nothing
one only knows by loving.

i am an infant in the womb of god

i am an infant in the womb of god

there – light
trembles
nurtures
i stir, closed eyes
warm flesh hides reality, sharp
glory

i tremble, stir, i think
i know so much
about what it means to be alive, after all
i have a beating heart, moving hands, fragmented
thoughts
proud; an infant who learns
to bang her hands on the table for food
see? see how much i can do?

he smiles
sweeps me up when i raise my arms
yes, love, yes, you’re so talented, so smart, so beautiful

suddenly
mother is brushing her hair
i conceive of womanhood
one day that will be me

i wish i were
grown up! i cry
grown ups are wise, they’re smart, everything is
easy, for them

wait, love, he murmurs
there is a price
to wisdom

hold my finger, here,
just here,
i will teach you to walk

and one day, one day
soon,
this warm
comfort will give
way and you will
be
born.

light, exploding

this moment-
the christmas lights are clumsily strewn about the tops of the walls
my fingers are cold - the heat is down and the winter seeps through mismatched windows and old glass panes.
i can feel the words sitting there, about halfway between my heart and my lips, but they're not coming out, not yet. i opened this page hoping they would come out through my hands and onto a page.
something about light. like - pressure is growing in my heart - a blast of light, just concealed beneath a thick warm layer of tangible reality, carefully composed face, captured body.
i want to open my mouth - look up, open my mouth - the light is there, it wants to fly out, it wants to join the angels of light packing this room to the brim, they will carry it to heaven and everything, everything will make sense and God will be
here
and i will be there in all hearts, there with Him, i can feel it, a million hearts pulsing, breaking, trembling, loving, all of them, all of them. to fly into the light is to plunge into the depths, the liquid love. but not - not yet, not yet, my life is a not yet, just wait, not quite. i want to
break through, you know, break
through and into a million nothings and everythings but first
this life has to
die, you know, fade away, pass away, i must dissolve into the
New Being but i
myself, i will die, and because of that i am scared. scared. everything inside of me tells me to leave Him, just - just leave Him. follow Him and you will suffer. you will break. you will die. die. turn back. don't look back, just turn back. don't follow Him, He'll lead you to the cross, He'll take you there and point to it lying on the ground and look at you with those irresistible eyes, the ones that you can't, you can't tell no, and He'll tell you to pick it up. and you will. just leave now, if you're smart, pretend you never knew Him, you never loved Him. but i know, i know, that if i leave Him i'll die, i'll forget what it means to love and live and breathe light and gasp joy and break into beauty, i know that the cross comes before, the resurrection, the resurrection, is so far off. today is palm sunday, i know the rest is
coming
but it seems so far, so far off.
i wonder if palm sunday was the hardest.
the easiest to run away.
you could tell yourself it wasn't fear, you just changed your mind, you just - maybe you didn't hear Him right, you know, things get mixed up between here and there all the time. you thought you heard one thing and you did another, but who really knows anyway? by the time thursday comes around its undoubtable. fear or courage. hope or despair. no more ambiguity. maybe that's why it's so beautiful.
even Christ despaired at the end. the final brokenness, just before death, a complete death, for a full resurrection of New Being.

give me a reason to leave and i'll give you a reason to stay. one foot in front of the other - the marine corps taught me something about God after all - one foot in front of the other. it's the destination. we have a hope, we have glimpsed - heaven - we have glimpsed -
light and love and breaking flowing beauty and grace and hope and
glory
and we know
we know
it is worth every ounce of
blood
and pain
and tears
because we've seen
we've seen.


love.