mixing it up

:)

hey folks

so i've decided to relax a bit and incorporate more of my life into these blogs; it's only fair that you understand where it's all coming from. plus i need to reinforce the idea (for both of us) that loving God is not necessarily melancholic - the whole idea behind Opus Dei (yes, like in Dan Brown's, minus the evil and embellishment) is that God works His way into the details of your life, especially if you let him - and your whole life is details! as i move to reconcile the abstract with the day-to-day, i'll take you along for the ride.

at least i have a good story to begin with: exploring a certain system of tunnels underground. adding to the thrill was that last year an accident occurred in these tunnels that made them look uncomfortably similar to the fires of hell:

gratefully, we did not encounter such excitement in our escapades (compensation came later during rooftop-exploration), but you did feel a bit like a WWII soldier or ninja turtle as you sprinted through the winding tunnels.

secondly: i've decided to re-complete the 110 things to do before you graduate list... pictures and all. we'll see how it goes :)

i'll keep you updated.

peace-

two messages to pass on

as i was praying during the student mass yesterday (for some reason the chapel always makes me sentimental), there was a moment where two things were realized at once - one of hope and one of criticism.

first, that while i had feared that God was allowing me to become strong only to break me down again, i came to a thought that perhaps instead of the total annihilation i'd feared, it would be different this time around - not the total emptying of self, scraping the callous black carbon-coated bottom of despair - but a more real, living pain - becoming strong in order to more fully feel - Christ is the living sacrifice - those words resonate more profoundly with me now. in some ways more terrible, more consuming - more room for pain, but pain mixed with love - but in many ways a relief from the hollow inability to feel. and as of yet, i have not faced it - the groundwork of joy, the hint of the ultimate prize, has been swimming around in my Being, which is coming to love solitude, peace, and being myself without too much worry about the impression it will leave on people. the change to the next wave of suffering - i haven't lived long, but i've lived long enough to recognize the cycles of suffering and joy - i suspect will occur on a primarily internal level - the fullness of choice to open myself, a day that i feel rapidly approaching. i hope i will be strong enough not to fall into the craggy comfort of bitterness; when i am honest with myself i recognize that i have not passed this test in even the smallest aspects of my life - perhaps i should start there. sometimes i feel tired and old, even at 21, like a crabby old lady who feels she's been dealt more than her share of suffering, and a movement back to more consistent peace and joy that come with humility must precede suffering if i am to emerge stronger.

the second realization, less encouraging, was this (be prepared for some disturbing imagery, but it exists to convey a truth): a vision of myself, head back, with terrible spidery crags, like long jagged rocks, bursting out of my chest, dazzling like glitter but chintzy somehow against the reality of my own flesh, laying down roots inside of me and bursting out - my own pride. as soon as i realized its existence i became aware of how entangled i am in it - i immediately congratulated myself on my own supreme self-knowledge to be able to find such a flaw, and began outlining in my mind how to present it in an endearing and artistic light -yes, to you, reader - before coming to my senses, that even in the realization of the existence of pride, pride had found an opportunity to expand! and then, would you believe it, no more than twenty seconds after i'd realized my mistake, i had fallen back into my self-congratulation as though i'd never realized it in the first place - and thus, i am faced with the apparently difficult task of conveying to you my own fallacious nature without allowing myself to be proud about it, and most especially ensuring that you will not part from these words with a higher opinion of me. i shall do my best to present it tersely and in the brutality of honesty necessary to convey the reality of its existence. for every "aha!" you might allow to leap triumphantly in your mind, i hope to have beaten you to it and pointed the accusing finger at myself.

i want, most of all, for you to realize my own brokenness and Christ's supreme grace - that though i am writing these things, it is nothing more than the sum of a God-bestowed love of writing and communication, and a benevolent grace enabled by Christ to even be able to speak one word about Him. i am really nobody, made somebody by a forgiving God, but i don't want you to get any silly notions in your head that i am good or holy - Christ Himself said that only God is holy - and that i myself am perhaps worst of all because of my pride, and perhaps you are closer to salvation than i.

i ask again for your prayers; also, that you take whatever messages away from these reflections independent of the writer; there is nothing in me that allows these words to grow, but rather, anything good you find here is the product of God.

peace-

the attainment of joy

"Our true self is the face of God that looks upon us at each instant of our existence."
-William Chittick, Sufism

In continuation of the contemplations on love and isolation, I've decided to "face the east," as Chittick would say - face the sunrise and the joyous side of the sky. Today I want to talk about joy (yay!) which would be not the means to healing, but a symptom that one is beginning to heal, from self-isolation and loneliness.

Let me first describe joy - I don't mean just happiness; happiness is circumstantial. I mean real, pure, joy - that combination of deep peace, warm comfort, intangible happiness that runs deeper than blood and is situated further inward than heart. The smell of autumn seeping under your window, the understanding of a good friend, a quiet morning and a cup of tea, being surrounded by people you love and who love you... the daily manifestations of joy, in the quiet things.

And then there is loud joy - the wild thunderstorm, crashing winds, utter exhilaration. The mute loud joy of experiencing God's Love, blasting away every bit of yourself and leaving only His intention, His Breath, a slowly perfecting cocoon of Being.

There is a wellspring of Joy inside us that keeps us alive - God is Beauty, and Beauty's purpose is to arouse Joy and Love and draw us deeper into Existence and the crowned, broken, resurrected Heart. Beauty Itself holds us in existence - if we could only grasp the Beauty now, our hearts would break of joy.

But-
we are incapable, as of yet.

our souls are-
so small.

we must stretch them,
like the legs
of a small
child.

We can only know joy through suffering - this is evident. Every pull away from God makes us cling closer to Him if we hold on to faith.

do i dare to be joyful?

to be joyful is to be vulnerable.

what if it means that i am content?
-suffering will draw you forward
deeper.


i'm drawn into the abstract, the metaphysical. but perhaps it is okay, for now; there are nights when i'm lost in the bitter and mundane as well, and i have inheritance to both. don't hate my joy; it is not because i'm righteous but because right now i am still, and God is moving me away. sometimes it hurts, but love transforms it into a deeper understanding - of both pain and joy. if one has the courage to deny cynicism, they inherit suffering and joy.

but perhaps, in the suffering Christ, suffering and joy can become united.
to embrace suffering with love.


the process of joy, phase 1:
become yourself.

there are three elements that make up one's life - God, self, and others. to know God is to become one's truest self, to become one's truest self is to then offer that self to every person you encounter, and to give oneself to others is to participate in the active agape love of God Himself.

so really it should read:

phase one: love God
phase two: let Him strip away all that is Not-You, so your truest Self comes to life
phase three: love actively, in your immediate life and in the social sphere against injustice


joy should not be sought for its own sake; it is merely a byproduct. joy proceeds from recognition of Beauty - seek then Beauty, and joy will follow.


i will speak soon of suffering and compassion, those uniquely human qualities that made God weep with love for us. i'm not ready to speak of them, and will never be while my feet touch this earth, but soon i will try. for now, rest, and be encouraged - in the end lies joy that i could never deserve or come close to grasping, holding, encountering, a pure unadulterated union with all that Is.