Structure and growth in the most basic lifeI've been doing a good deal of thinking this evening on the interrelation between Love and discipline. It's not something we hear too much about, and I know that it's not something I've really incorporated into my life. I mean, I've been trying to work out the philosophical nature of love since the 9th grade, and I've had my share of both guided and misguided attempts to love other people, but to be honest it feels like I hit a plateau... or rather, a dead end that required me to turn around and glance at the map again. As I've vaguely referenced in past articles, about a year ago I reached a pretty low point. Although many elements played into the difficulties, I'm pretty sure what tipped the scale was a very long, very one-sided relationship that I had to finally admit couldn't be sustained simply by 'loving.' So then, I had to go back to the drawing table - what does it mean to love another person? How are we able to sustain such a love, especially in the presence of pain, without becoming selfish and taking care of ourselves?
What seems to have been missing, essentially, was a definitive sense of discipline and self-control - of thoughts, desires, emotions, and even day-to-day actions. And of course, it's the unprotected mind that is the most vulnerable to corruption, and in an honest evaluation of that particular situation I could say that I was corrupted, even torn apart, by letting unguarded and undisciplined emotions define my entire life.
Several months later, I met and started dating someone I am perfectly convinced was placed in my life on special commission from God - someone who embodied kindness, purity, forgiveness, and self-control in such volumes that I was utterly astonished. The dignity he afforded to others and to himself as complete human beings flew in the face of every cynical thought that had formed in my mind in the past years. We've recently mutually agreed to continue our discernment independent of each other, and honestly I think it's only the combination of love and self-discipline in our relationship that allowed us to part and remain on such good terms as friends. The year of knowing him set me on a crash course to learn the relation between love and discipline, the fruits of which I hope will come to pass in this upcoming year.
Love without discipline is like trying to grow snap peas without a lattice. Anyone who's ever gardened knows that when you plant peas, you should plant them near a fence or wire to give them a direction to grow. If you do it right, you should have neat rows of pea plants twisting upwards with delicious little pea pods dangling from their vines. (It might be time for a 4am snack). And, in the picture above, if they grow upwards, they also gradually grow closer to one another. But if you don't plant them near a fence or wire, the vines grow everywhere, and wrap around the first thing they come in contact with - the ground, or another pea plant, or itself - and basically becomes a tangled mess. If you don't fix it, the plant dies. It's the same with the heart; without the structure of discipline, it grows in every which way, clinging to anything it happens to come in contact with, and oftentimes tangling up and making a mess. If it's not fixed, the heart clings too tightly to itself and those around it until it loses its life and fades away. In discipline, the heart grows further and further upwards, closer to the sun and to other hearts, more and more capable of truly loving.
I've found myself struggling with old habitual sins. And the longer I wrestle with them, the more I know that I really hate doing them. Why I fall for the temptation over half the time it presents itself, I have no idea - I pulled out a piece of paper earlier and scribbled down every single effect the action has on my mood, thoughts, and demeanor over the short and long term, and I honestly could not list a single pure enjoyment that came from it. It seemed like I was describing the most empty, unattractive, desperate version of myself. And yet I continue. Why? Because of the simple fact that I am enslaved to it, and have not yet developed my love for God, others, and self that is required to live a virtuous life. My lack of discipline has led to the development of a fickle love, and the lack of a true love has made discipline especially challenging - it's all one big cycle! I could try to start with trying to make myself feel as though I love God, to spark the cycle in the right direction, but in the long term that isn't enough. Some essential changes must happen in my daily habits, schedules, and demeanor in order to sustain any further growth in love. Something as mundane as bedtimes and waking times could have an impact on your spiritual life - most of life is made up of the mundane, and to assume that the everyday doesn't have an impact on our essential nature would be, I think, a naive and serious oversight.
Yes. Perhaps I will be able to offer a more moving contemplation when it is not 4:30 in the morning... and I swear that this is still linked to the love and isolation topic... but these are my thoughts for now. Maybe one day they will grow into something beautiful.
peace-
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